Sunday, June 24, 2012

On being alone

I spend most of my time alone. At work, at home, on the streets. I go shopping alone, I go to beauty parlours alone, I go to outings and to church alone. I travel alone and go to restaurants alone (But so far I haven’t gathered the courage to watch a movie all by myself).

I like having friends as much as the next lazy bum, but somehow it seems I always end up alone. Maybe I repel people. Maybe I truly love being alone. Maybe I am my best friend and the best conversations I have are with my thoughts. Maybe I do less damage when I am my only companion. (I use a lot of “maybe” in my posts. Maybe I just love the word. Maybe I don’t know what I really want).

Some of us are born to be alone, is my theory. I must have been a difficult child. When I first went to school I wanted to sit next to only one girl, no one else would do. I never responded to the roll call, and the teacher marked me “Absent” for a very long time. (He suggested I was “behind” the other students but was silenced when I stood first in the exam :P)

Growing up was tough. I had friends, girls of my own age from my neighbourhood. But at school, and then in college, I was the most introverted, shyest person you ever know. I still am. I was the lost girl who couldn’t make friends, who was always picked last for games, and who never joined in the group games and activities (many instances spring to mind). Being in unfamiliar territory just scares the living daylights out of me. Proximity and attachment scares me too. I think I just want to watch from a safe distance.

But don’t you want to make friends, be with people, laugh and do silly things? You ask. ‘course I do. Who doesn’t? Maybe I just don’t like being overwhelmed, or maybe I’m just a crude person who doesn’t know how to behave in polite society.

Doesn’t it get awfully lonely? Yes it does, it does, very very much. So much so that sometimes we go out and try to do what normal people do, but the ironic thing is we have lost touch, the know-how of what to do what to say how to smile how to speak that we end up feeling even lonelier in a crowd and it’s such a relief, such a relief to go home and open the door and be welcomed by the silence and sit down and write blog posts like this.

Would things be diffrent if you had more friends? No it wouldn’t. I have been part of big groups of friends, I have lived with many people in one house, more than six people, mind you, and I still felt lonely. Yes we had good times, the best times actually, and I was adventurous, I was crazy, I was fun (or so I thought). Some of them decided to remain my friends after the groups broke up, after everyone went their separate ways to do their own things, and yet I, like an ungrateful wretch, shrank away to my little corner.  And I remain stuck there.

But doesn’t it get boring? Hahaha. Wait, did I just laugh at the question? Apparently I did. Let me laugh again just once.. hahahhaha. No it doesn’t get boring. I know numerous ways to entertain myself, including writing this lengthy post (already 600 words now). (Oh is that why you spend all your time on Facebook heehee?). Well….. could be one reason. But sometimes I do get away from the Internet and clean the house like a maniac, read books, paint like a preschooler, take pictures of anything, do something with my clothes/bags/shoes, speak on the phone, read newspapers, do puzzles, play games on my phone, and go shopping. If the mood is right I might even go to church and feel alone in the crowd and then the cycle starts all over again.

22 comments:

  1. As an introvert myself, I know for a fact that it must have taken you a lot of courage to write this. And isn't it funny but after writing it all down, doesn't it feel liberating? I mean people (esp in our very gregarious society) sometimes make you feel like a weirdo being whatever you are but once you actually put it down in writing and suss out yourself, you realise you're no whacko, this is just the way you are. And that's why blogging is so good for the soul, right? I'm just like you, a lone wolf or should that be wolverine :p Ditto, ditto, ditto most everything except I never wanted to sit next to only one person in class as far as I can remember :p

    ReplyDelete
  2. When you feel alone, I'll always be there for you.

    - The Computer.

    ReplyDelete
  3. J - Ditto to everything you said in the comment. There I was, feeling like an alien among all the clever beautiful socialising people, then Wham!(wake me up before you go go) I decided to write down what I really feel, and Bam! comes this post. A good feeling, this feeling of liberation, of "this is me like it or leave it" smugness.

    Jo L - Give my regards (and heartfelt thanks) to your dear friend The Computer.

    ReplyDelete
  4. I agree, there's something beautiful and lonely about being alone,but once you lived a married life for a number of years, the thought of being alone scares me.

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. lolz daniel... the thought of losing my freedom and settling down and not being alone anymore actually scares me. I love being alone :) just me and my blog. hehe... I guess there are different perspectives from people depending on where they're coming from :)

      Delete
    2. Two sides of the coin, no one can say which is the true side. What really scares us is the thought of change, of disrupting our lives and stepping into the dark unknown.

      Delete
  5. so what 'else' do you do when you are alone. :)

    Dear fellow Piscean, first of all I admire Your loyalty to THE BLOG. secondly, Do I smell a hint of 'wanting to settle down-get married-have kids-etc' kind of feelings? :P If so, you better warn us 10 blogs prior the actual D-Day.

    On a serious note, I do feel you sista..on being alone.. I Love my space, i love my independence (maybe not complete), i cherish the times i have solely to myself.. You are so lucky that you get to do all those things on your own terms. BUt yeah, some times, you do need people around you to feel complete..<____ what did i just type that out? I figure you have an imaginary friend like the rest of us normal beings... so what you complaining about? did yours leave you for a gay guy too? :(

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. If you read my previous post it was all about all-my-friends-are-getting-married-i'm-all-alone-boo-hoo, so I would say yes Your Honour I plead guilty, but not to worry: it might never happen.

      Well, about the other things I do alone, as a fellow Piscean you only have to look inside your head and imagine me thinking the same :P

      Delete
    2. Omg! You talk to Lady Gaga in your head too? :P

      Delete
    3. "yeah something about, baby, you and I"

      Delete
  6. That's a problem us folks with awesome brains often face- being so caught up in the awesomeness of our own awesome thoughts that we prefer being by ourselves :P
    Be happy you didn't meet me when I was younger. I would have done the internet version of barging in on your space, making you do crazy dances even when you don't feel like it and prying all your secrets from you while I gross you out with an overload of mine. I used to be a very social person when younger, the downside being that, for a long time, I was unable to do things on my own. My dad used to ask if Id jump off a cliff if my friends did, and I used to mutter a silent "Maybe. At least I'll have company"
    Now I find I'm much shyer with age, less unable to meet new people, more awkward at social gatherings. But Ive become more independent and the people I allow into my life are more of the bff variety than the for-the-moment friends that I used to have so much of.

    So don't worry about not being gregarious. Think of it as being individualistic and indie and therefore, uber cool :P

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. Wow! You must have been one tiny bundle of energy! I wouldn't say you have become shyer, maybe just a bit mellowed down? I bet that fire still burns inside.

      Individualistic, indie, uber cool? Aren't we all, except for the super fake ones?

      Awesome comment btw :)

      Delete
    2. Kind of strange, ku2, but in my case I've gotten a lot less shyer with age, more confident when meeting new people, less awkward at social gatherings. I now tend to look at young people and sometimes see them squirming with unease and discomfort and feel that as the older person it's my business to try to put them at ease.

      Delete
  7. solitude help us to scoop out treasures in mind even here we just read:P

    Some people like to keep themselves aloof but virtually connected with other as being alone make them pleased. Some other socialized their life and seems to be opened too-but still they could be a soloist. I'm convinced that we can't decide the better for others in this regard, always; If you're happy with being alone that's ok, if you're not don't dawdle your time to be happy. But, don't be reclused.

    I absolutely amen to what daniel said, family kills alone- spouse minus lonely feelings...

    i wish you to be happy...alone.

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. To each his/her own, yes. About being a recluse, I'd thought about it and it looks fun, you know, living in some isolated house and coming to town maybe once in a year. That would be true freedom.

      Delete
  8. ..But so far I haven’t gathered the courage to watch a movie all by myself.. DO IT. And never look back. I love watching the early morning shows alone, a great way to start the day, or a weekend even. And cheaper too.
    I'd love to write more on solitude, but I'm thinking of making a post on similar lines, I apologize for now.
    One thing ill say, Thank god for the internet, else all these insightful posts of yours would probably be sitting idle in some dusty "secret" Diary which would never see the light of day.

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. A movie is best enjoyed with friends, talking nonsense much to the annoyance of people, sharing popcorn, and just roaming around staring at the Coming Soon posters. But YES! I will go and watch a movie alone, and I will write what it feels like. I once read a blogpost, by a girl no less, about watching a movie alone, the ups and downs and dos and don't. Let's see how things turn out.

      Please write your "solitude post" soon, can't wait to hear your version.

      Delete
  9. I sometimes call myself a loner too… but this is not because I enjoy solitude… sometimes people disappoint me when I try to blend myself with the world… so being alone sometimes felt good, although frankly, it never really felt right to me… :)

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. You don't sound like a loner, rather someone who enjoys a quiet time now and then. Sometimes we need to be alone to collect our thoughts and to just breathe.

      Delete
  10. I wanted to be alone when I'm with friends, and I wanted to be with friends when I'm alone. :-P But anyway, I am so much like you are.. I do almost everything alone... I prefer it that way.. shop alone, church alone, eat alone.. etc etc. and yes, I'm living alone too.. :-)

    ReplyDelete