I spend most of my time alone. At work, at home, on the streets. I go shopping alone, I go to beauty parlours alone, I go to outings and to church alone. I travel alone and go to restaurants alone (But so far I haven’t gathered the courage to watch a movie all by myself).
I like having friends as much as the next lazy bum, but somehow it seems I always end up alone. Maybe I repel people. Maybe I truly love being alone. Maybe I am my best friend and the best conversations I have are with my thoughts. Maybe I do less damage when I am my only companion. (I use a lot of “maybe” in my posts. Maybe I just love the word. Maybe I don’t know what I really want).
Some of us are born to be alone, is my theory. I must have been a difficult child. When I first went to school I wanted to sit next to only one girl, no one else would do. I never responded to the roll call, and the teacher marked me “Absent” for a very long time. (He suggested I was “behind” the other students but was silenced when I stood first in the exam :P)
Growing up was tough. I had friends, girls of my own age from my neighbourhood. But at school, and then in college, I was the most introverted, shyest person you ever know. I still am. I was the lost girl who couldn’t make friends, who was always picked last for games, and who never joined in the group games and activities (many instances spring to mind). Being in unfamiliar territory just scares the living daylights out of me. Proximity and attachment scares me too. I think I just want to watch from a safe distance.