On being alone

I spend most of my time alone. At work, at home, on the streets. I go shopping alone, I go to beauty parlours alone, I go to outings and to church alone. I travel alone and go to restaurants alone (But so far I haven’t gathered the courage to watch a movie all by myself).

I like having friends as much as the next lazy bum, but somehow it seems I always end up alone. Maybe I repel people. Maybe I truly love being alone. Maybe I am my best friend and the best conversations I have are with my thoughts. Maybe I do less damage when I am my only companion. (I use a lot of “maybe” in my posts. Maybe I just love the word. Maybe I don’t know what I really want).

Some of us are born to be alone, is my theory. I must have been a difficult child. When I first went to school I wanted to sit next to only one girl, no one else would do. I never responded to the roll call, and the teacher marked me “Absent” for a very long time. (He suggested I was “behind” the other students but was silenced when I stood first in the exam :P)

Growing up was tough. I had friends, girls of my own age from my neighbourhood. But at school, and then in college, I was the most introverted, shyest person you ever know. I still am. I was the lost girl who couldn’t make friends, who was always picked last for games, and who never joined in the group games and activities (many instances spring to mind). Being in unfamiliar territory just scares the living daylights out of me. Proximity and attachment scares me too. I think I just want to watch from a safe distance.

Alone again, naturally

A very familiar sense of déjà vu is in the air.  One of my childhood friends is getting married this week, to a man I have never ever heard of, that too in another town. Yes, we are friends, but not the share everything types, so it’s very likely that our paths may not cross again that very often in the future.

I am at that awkward age where everyone is getting married and having children (I’m forever buying wedding and baby gifts), and those same people in later communications would urge me to get married soon because I was turning so old. Aaaaaggghh! Is there no end to this? Will there ever be an end to this? You know what would be cool? Being 45 or so and everyone giving up hopes of you ever getting married and finally, finally being able to relax.

Does that mean I want to stay single the rest of my life? Of course not! So does that mean I am in a predatory mode? Far from it. Am I looking to trap some hapless innocent man into marriage? God forbid. But sometimes I despair, yes I despair that I will never find a man stupid enough to accept me just the way I am and want to jump off a cliff with me. I despair that I will be that old unmarried aunt who gets passed around from family to family, sleeping in some small corner and depending on charity. I despair that I will have to live with rude nieces and nephews (and their children) who show me no respect. I despair that I will live a terribly lonely life.

What I’m really afraid of, I guess, is the thought of having to listen to “When are you getting married” “You too should get married” and such related questions. Ho-hum. The living alone part I can handle, being an old unmarried aunt is something I’ve excelled at since birth, and I am confident I can earn a living to feed myself.

So what’s this post really about then? I don’t know, maybe just a little something to help overcome this too familiar feeling of loss and despair and gloom. Maybe I’m fishing for your sympathy. Maybe the thought of going home and finding all my friends gone is frightening. Maybe I felt the need to write something new after bombarding you with picture posts the last few days.

Click click click

Picture of Yours Truly clicked on a quiet Saturday evening (Location: My room). A few clicks at Photoshop followed.


The original:

Lens flare effect:

Sketch:

Five years on Facebook

Five years ago yesterday I signed up on Facebook. It was 2007, and back then everyone, including your mother, your old crush, your classmate from 20 years ago, your neighbour’s cat, every person with a mobile phone was not on Facebook as they do today. Orkut was the place to be, at least here in India. (By the way whatever happened to that guy Orkut, that founder guy? We used to hear rumours that for every click, for every scrap, for every friend added he earned this much dollars. Was that true?)

Well, back to Facebook, it was a bit confusing at first. What is a Wall? And where is my profile? How do I navigate? So many questions. I wasn’t active for a very long time, around two years. I started adding friends and whatnot in 2009. Then I started playing games, mainly Farm Town, Mafia Wars, Poker and that-word-game. I played Farm Town so much so that every tree, every bush, every flower reminded me of my “plants”.

I am not going to tell you every little thing I did, because you are also on Facebook (who isn’t?) and know full well the things we do out there.

The question now is, can we live without Facebook? There are some groups like Quit Facebook Day whose slogan is “Sick of Facebook's lack of respect for your data? Tell others that you're quitting too!” Their website recorded over 40 thousand FB quitters, not a very impressive number. But then every person who quit did not necessarily go and register there, so the number is probably much higher.

Six habits of watermelon seeds

What can one do with watermelon seeds?

1. Soak them in water until the water turns yellow.

2. Spell out words.

It's a beautiful day

Sometimes I think I might have OCD. I obsessively check the time, and the temperature. The worst of summer is behind us, and I'm glad because I was always checking the temperature and the forecast. I would check it before I go to sleep, as soon as I get up, if I wake up in the middle of the night, at any random time during the day. Yes, temperatures soared to 42 degrees, and never went below 30 even at night, even at 3 in the morning. And I would constantly compare the weather in our city with that of other cities around the world. It was always raining in Seattle, Tokyo was much colder than I imagined, Paris was always warmer than London, and Aizawl was warmer than both cities.

Yesterday I went out during the day, and it was a most beautiful day. Blue skies, the likes of which you haven’t seen in a long long time, perfectly clear sky, and big white fluffy clouds. I took a few pictures, here’s one:

Selling old newspapers

Newspapers accumulated over many months

Sold to a man who came in a bicycle