Monday, December 28, 2009

50 Ways To Leave Your Lover

Oh no I’m not telling you to leave your lover. Or how to. That's the title of a 1975 Paul Simon song which I find quite amusing. The song is about a mistress telling her lover to leave his wife, and some of the ways to do it. I don’t particularly like the song but the lyrics I find very entertaining.

You just slip out the back, Jack
Make a new plan, Stan
You don't need to be coy, Roy
Just get yourself free
Hop on the bus, Gus
You don't need to discuss much
Just drop off the key, Lee
And get yourself free.

Doesn’t that make you laugh? I did some Googling and came across a funny article posted in one e-newspaper, The Morning News. It said that while the song title says “50 Ways To Leave Your Lover” Paul Simon listed out only five, and then proceeded to list out the other forty-five, and called it 45 Additional Ways to Leave Your Lover. Find below the forty-five points, I bet you will laugh out loud. Find the whole article here.

45. Push him out a tree, Bree

44. Feed her to a shark, Mark

43. Harvest his kidney, Cindy

42. Make him all porous, Doris

41. Feed him some ricin, Tyson

40. Get kvetchin,’ Gretchen

39. Chop off his organ, Morgan

38. Throw her down a gorge, George

37. Punch her with an awl, Paul

36. Fake your own death, Beth

35. Hire Chaz Palminteri, Mary

34. Don’t let her fool ‘ya, Julia

33. Drop an anvil on his dick, Chick

32. Toss him off the seventh story, Laurie

31. Pulp his scrotus, Otis

30. Bury her alive, Clive

29. Run him over with a trolley, Molly

28. Feed her to the capitalist sharks! Marx!

27. Make her write a will, Bill

26. Chisel off his knees, Louise

25. Switch to the whip, Chip

24. Give her a double-barreled hug, Doug

23. Bake him in a tureen, Doreen

22. Cement him in a well, Mel

21. Bump her off a ridge, Midge

20. Start erasin,’ Jason

19. Select her sister for a mate, Nate

18. Try to poke her mom, Tom

17. Slip her a mickey, Dickey

16. Make her whip corn, Rip Torn

15. Subtract a limb, Tim

14. Make it hard for him to piss, Kris

13. Set fire to his hair, Blair

12. Hit him with a mace, Chase

11. Cook her in a stew, Llew

10. Drown him off your yacht, Dot

9. Chomp on his penis, Enos

8. Fit her for a spear, Dear

7. Staple him to the bed, Fred

6. Drown him in the Seine, Le Glen

5. Smother her with malice, Alice

4. Drop him down the flue, Sue

3. Apply the hurt, Burt

2. Amputate daily, Haley

1. Change your name to Hannah, Diana

Funny, isn’t it?


  1. Quit being slim, Kim

    Start growing your hair, illusionaire

    Become a hangman, Sandman

  2. Can't think of anything witty, so will just comment on the song.Me, I've always liked the song, lyrically and musically. I like the way they roll the drums like 'military marching band'. Most appropiate Paul Simon song for me would be, 'Still Crazy After all These years'.Check out more of his song,I'm sure you will find the lyrics interesting.

  3. Stuff yourself with food, dr_feelgood.

    'Still Crazy After All These years'- it is sad and beautiful in a hopeless melancholic way. Good choice.

  4. Screw up her mood, dr_feelgood.

    Pack him off to Timbuktu, Aduh.

  5. very funny!!! all very wicked ways..

    but these make me wince..
    31. Pulp his scrotus, Otis of course.. no.9..and 33 too..

  6. Put her out to graze, Blind Dayze.

    33. Drop an anvil on his dick, Chick
    9. Chomp on his penis, Enos

    Ouch!!! That is going to hurt.

  7. Turn him into a fairy, diary.

    I have no idea how to make one porous. Rub him with sandpaper? Soak him in alcohol? Maybe you should just tell him to be a florist, Doris.

  8. You posted 52 posts last year, thats one a week :)

    Get him screamed at by Daduhi, Aduhi

  9. Hit her hard with your topee, OP.

    Yep, 52 posts last year. I made a conscious effort to do so, and I did it. And it feels good.

  10. # 5 Smother her with malice, Alice - is that supposed to suggest (1) that Alice smothers the competition, or (2) that Alice is a lesbian.. or just a plain genuine typo :))

  11. Oh forgot to add my contribution -

    Tell him you're preggie, Becky.

  12. I think 43 would rhyme better with "Harvest her kidney, Sidney!"

    As for my contribution..

    Bid him adieu, Aduh!
    Hatch an evil plan, Sandman!
    Kick him with a steel boot, feelgood!
    Dress him up like a geisha, Jerusha!
    Cause him extreme anxiety, Diary!
    Hit her with a fusion flare, illusionaire!
    Feed her to the stingrays, Blind Dayze!
    Make her stairs all soapy, OP!

  13. Behave like Tiger Woods, dr_feelgood
    Hook him up with Tanusha, Jerusha
    Never change your bedspread, blackestred

    @Jerusha - Yes Alice is a lesbian.

  14. Stop being a hetero, Alejendro

    You like the song? That's nice.

  15. Make him watch Hindi reruns of saas bahu, Aduh.

    Sprinkle pepper on her bed, Blackestred.

    Look for an Iranian Shah, Jerusha.

    Make love with Pedro, Alejandro.

    Fill her shampoo with hot tar, OpaHmar.

    Tell her you got AIDS, Blind Dayze.

    Insist on going out in the nude, dr_feelgood.

    Whenever he wants "it" recite the Hail Mary, Diary.

  16. I do do I do, Aduh
    Translation: "Ka duh duh ka ti ang, Aduh"


    You're so high, you think you're in the air, illusionaire

  17. Show her that you don't care, illusionaire
    Be extremely rude, dr_feelgood
    Walk around ina drunken haze, Blind Dayze
    Stop being hot and fiery, diary
    Leave her stranded at the bazaar, OpaHmar
    Migrate to Yorkshire, Jerusha
    Refuse to get wed, blackestred
    Shack up with a ho, Alejendro

  18. Elope with Laloo,Adooh.
    Make her wash your underwear,Illusionaire.

  19. Ask her to guess the colour of your underwear, Illusionaire
    Show him the head of Medusa, Jerusha

  20. Tell her she's made of wood, dr_feelgood
    Become a porn star, OpaHmar

  21. hahaha, laughing at all the rhymies here..
    sprinkle cyanide in his zu, aduh,
    chop off her head, blackestred,
    carve up her face, blinddayze,
    hang her from a revolving fan, sandman,
    run her over with her car, OPA hmar,
    slice her up good, dr_feelgood!