Wandering

What a dark, depressing day. The newspapers are full of blood, death and destruction. There is an air of sadness everywhere. The Mumbai terror strike has effectively halted the festive spirit that had begun to creep in on us. To make things worse, we’ve been having terrible weather this past week, dark cloudy sky, and light showers almost every day. The only thing I hate more than a cold winter day is a cold, rainy winter day. All plans have come to a screeching halt. I don’t think I would ever step outside this weekend, temporary hibernation for 2 days. I would drink endless cups of tea, catch up with my reading, listen to 80’s songs, order pizza and watch movies until my eyes pop out.

These days it seems like everywhere I look, I see sadness. I didn’t mean to sound so pessimistic but that’s the way it is. I called up home and was told there was a death in the community, the tenth this year. I used to think death was something that happened only to other people, to other families. But now I realized it can happen to me, to my family. My father had a mild heart attack last week and when my sister called me early in the morning I was immediately filled with fear. Fear of something that I cannot name, fear that completely took over all other emotions, fear that gripped me and made everything look bleak and dark. Looking back, I think it was the fear of losing someone dear, someone who has been there all my life; fear of being left alone, fear of having to start a new chapter. Fear of the unknown future. Fear of having no one to turn to. Fear of having to make all the decisions myself. Fear of being the grown-up.

I am scared of death. Of dying. Of not existing anymore. Of losing everything we have worked so hard for in that one moment when our hearts stop beating. Let me also admit that sometimes I’d think “what if I don’t go to heaven?” What if nobody remembers me? What if this is the end of everything?

Sometimes I’d doubt the existence of heaven. I know I sound un-Christian and non-believing but this is something I’ve thought about a lot. What if we were wrong all along? What if everything ends as soon as we die? Or what if Hindus and Buddhists were right and our lives get recycled over and over again until we attain perfection? What if my actions and deeds today influence the form I will take in my next life? What if I could only be freed from this cycle once I am sinless and pure in thought and action? What if everything in this life and the next depends on my karma? Is everything predestined, written in the stars?

Then again my Christian roots would come to my rescue. I have seen with my own eyes people who came back from the dead, listened with my ears the stories of their tour of heaven, read their description of the glory of God and of heaven, and would once again realize that yes, this is it, this is the real thing, this is what we are living for.

What was that again??

A thought struck me this morning. I was drinking tea when suddenly I thought of something someone had told me, or was it some proverb or something? Can't remember. But I remember thinking, "This would make a good blog post," and not doing anything about it. One hour later here I am, trying to write it down but couldn't remember anything or what it was all about.

That’s me. Forgetting easily. I know I will remember it sometime later, but my brain probably decided this is not the right time because nothing strikes me now. Maybe my neurons are not properly aligned. Maybe there isn't enough spark to kickstart the recollection process.

I’ve always had this habit of overestimating my ability to remember. If I see or hear something great, something that I would need later, I never bothered to write it down for later reference. I would instead think “This is nothing, how can I forget something as simple as this,” and would later be racking my brain and looking for clues and asking the people around me “What was it that I wanted to remember?” and would time and again make a complete fool of myself.

So I tried to learn from my mistakes and bought a small notebook that I carried with me everywhere. Sometimes I would jot down some stuff. But the irony of it is, I never forget the things that I had noted, I just had to think of my little notebook and immediately the stuff pops into my head. And if I don’t write it down, it’s practically guaranteed it will get lost in the recesses of my memory. But I’m only human, and like any imperfect human being I don’t always whip out my notebook every time I encounter something noteworthy - laziness being the root cause - and so greatly increase the risk of forgetting.

If later in the day, or week, or month, or even year I remember that thing I wanted to write, I will let you know.

To Winter

Have I told you lately that I hate you? Have I told you there’s no else below you in the ladder of my favourites? You fill my life with darkness, take away all my sunshine, increase my troubles; that’s what you do.

Oh yes, if there’s one thing I hate, it’s definitely you. I hate, loathe, despise, abhor, dislike, detest you and anything to do with you. See, you have even made me run out of synonyms. I am quite the indecisive female but when it comes to hating you there are no second thoughts, my views are firm and concrete, my opinion unchanged. No one could make me change my mind on this one; I stand like a stone. Years may come and years may go, people may flit in and out of my life, but you will eternally remain my enemy number one.

Let me tell you a few reasons why you will never climb the charts:

1. You are cold and heartless
2. You make my skin dry and withered
3. You turn my days into nights
4. You terrorise me in my baths
5. You make me wear layers of clothing like a refugee
6. You urge me to make New Year resolutions which you know very well I will not keep
7. You push me out to crowded market places where I am surrounded by thousands of smelly feet
8. You are cold and uncaring
9. You make my lips chapped
10. You make me dress up and go out
11. You take great pleasure in reminding me that I am not getting any younger (but who is??)
12. You turn my fingers and toes into little frozen sticks
13. You make me buy shoes which I will wear only once
14. You remind me, more than ever, that I sleep all alone
15. You make it obligatory to go out and socialize with people I cannot stand
16. You make my bones numb
17. You are cold and merciless

Maybe I should run away from you, emigrate to Australia or some other country in the southern hemisphere and re-emigrate here some time in March, kind of like the birds. Come to think of it, don’t you think they have it awfully easy? The birds, I mean, not the Australians. They don’t have to worry about medical check-ups, global financial recession, wearing fashionable clothes, or ingrown toenails. The most they worried about would be some other birds stealing their eggs or occupying their nests. If they feel a chill in the air all they have to do is hold a community meeting and presto! off to warmer climes. And they all look out for each other, flying in V-shaped or such other formations so that everyone gets equal draught of air. They don’t sow, nor reap, yet the Lord provides for them.

Ok, back to the point. I hate you because you are cold and have turned me into a blathering birdbrain.