On being alone

I spend most of my time alone. At work, at home, on the streets. I go shopping alone, I go to beauty parlours alone, I go to outings and to church alone. I travel alone and go to restaurants alone (But so far I haven’t gathered the courage to watch a movie all by myself).

I like having friends as much as the next lazy bum, but somehow it seems I always end up alone. Maybe I repel people. Maybe I truly love being alone. Maybe I am my best friend and the best conversations I have are with my thoughts. Maybe I do less damage when I am my only companion. (I use a lot of “maybe” in my posts. Maybe I just love the word. Maybe I don’t know what I really want).

Some of us are born to be alone, is my theory. I must have been a difficult child. When I first went to school I wanted to sit next to only one girl, no one else would do. I never responded to the roll call, and the teacher marked me “Absent” for a very long time. (He suggested I was “behind” the other students but was silenced when I stood first in the exam :P)

Growing up was tough. I had friends, girls of my own age from my neighbourhood. But at school, and then in college, I was the most introverted, shyest person you ever know. I still am. I was the lost girl who couldn’t make friends, who was always picked last for games, and who never joined in the group games and activities (many instances spring to mind). Being in unfamiliar territory just scares the living daylights out of me. Proximity and attachment scares me too. I think I just want to watch from a safe distance.

But don’t you want to make friends, be with people, laugh and do silly things? You ask. ‘course I do. Who doesn’t? Maybe I just don’t like being overwhelmed, or maybe I’m just a crude person who doesn’t know how to behave in polite society.

Doesn’t it get awfully lonely? Yes it does, it does, very very much. So much so that sometimes we go out and try to do what normal people do, but the ironic thing is we have lost touch, the know-how of what to do what to say how to smile how to speak that we end up feeling even lonelier in a crowd and it’s such a relief, such a relief to go home and open the door and be welcomed by the silence and sit down and write blog posts like this.

Would things be diffrent if you had more friends? No it wouldn’t. I have been part of big groups of friends, I have lived with many people in one house, more than six people, mind you, and I still felt lonely. Yes we had good times, the best times actually, and I was adventurous, I was crazy, I was fun (or so I thought). Some of them decided to remain my friends after the groups broke up, after everyone went their separate ways to do their own things, and yet I, like an ungrateful wretch, shrank away to my little corner.  And I remain stuck there.

But doesn’t it get boring? Hahaha. Wait, did I just laugh at the question? Apparently I did. Let me laugh again just once.. hahahhaha. No it doesn’t get boring. I know numerous ways to entertain myself, including writing this lengthy post (already 600 words now). (Oh is that why you spend all your time on Facebook heehee?). Well….. could be one reason. But sometimes I do get away from the Internet and clean the house like a maniac, read books, paint like a preschooler, take pictures of anything, do something with my clothes/bags/shoes, speak on the phone, read newspapers, do puzzles, play games on my phone, and go shopping. If the mood is right I might even go to church and feel alone in the crowd and then the cycle starts all over again.